As I have mentioned more than once on this blog,we are in the throes of potty training in our house. This is, by far, the most difficult thing I have ever experienced as a parent. Truly. I know there were times when during the first 2 weeks of Hayden's life that I literally thought I would never sleep again. I also know that at about week 7 of Harper's life, I was pretty convinced she would never stop screaming.
All of those things were hard. This is harder. It's harder because when Hayden had his days and nights confused, I knew it was because he was a baby, and babies are don't always sleep at night. When Harper was screaming her guts out for two straight hours, I knew it was because that's what babies do sometimes. I knew it wasn't because of anything I was doing (or wasn't doing). This, however, is different.
We first tried our hand at potty training last June. We went cold turkey. I put him in underwear one weekend and gritted my teeth as he continued to pee in them all weekend long. Sure we had some successes in the potty, but all in all, he was constantly peeing in his pants. We tried for a solid month, and he wasn't making much progress. So, I put him back in pull ups. He clearly wasn't ready, because he didn't say one word about being in a pull up. He didn't mention he wasn't wearing his underwear anymore. Okay. So he wasn't ready. No big deal. By that point, I was newly pregnant and on the verge of vomiting every day, so I really didn't care.
Around Christmas (2 months before he turned 3), Hayden started asking about underwear again. Now I was almost 9 months pregnant. Just. No. So we put him off. We couldn't put him off anymore by February and we dived back in (with a newborn -- good call!). School helped a lot. But. BUT. Hayden is incredibly stubborn. If Hayden is doing something fun, like reading a book (take a moment here to say YAY that reading is fun for him) he is not going to stop what he's doing to potty. This is the battle we fought at the beginning. I learned you couldn't ask Hayden, "Do you need to go potty?" Frankly, the pee could be dripping down his leg and he would tell you no way, uh uh, not me. So we had to tell him it's time to potty. His school follows a regimen of going every hour. So, that's what we do. Then we fought the "no no no! I don't want to potty battle!" Just now almost 3 months into this Hayden is starting to tell us, "I need to potty." Otherwise we go every hour or hour and fifteen minutes. Do we still have accidents? Yes. I'm not going to lie about that. What's the point? I said I was going to be real about this, and I am. I would say we have 1 or 2 pee accidents every 2 weeks or so. That's just how we roll. Usually it's because Harper's freaking and we're running zone defense and Hayden doesn't get taken to the potty in time. Oh well. He's getting better. Generally speaking though, he is pee accident free at school. He naps in underwear. No accidents.
Now -- here's our problem. And it's gross. And it's the leading cause of all my tears and all my frustrations. It's also why I'm even bothering to write this. I feel like I'm the only one who has gone through this and I know this can't be true. I also, for some reason, feel like this is a reflection of me as a parent. That I'm screwing up somehow. However, I feel like EVERY post I read on Facebook or on blogs is how their child is ta da! potty trained in like 3 days. Well congrats to you. Am I bitter? Probably. Congratulations if your child potty trained in 5 seconds. However, my cynical, black little heart doesn't believe those same people post, "My sweet angel crapped his/her pants for the third time today! We'll try again tomorrow! After all, tomorrow is another day!"
Well, here's the news. My sweet angel craps his pants. Every. Single. Day. My child, who I think is incredibly bright (because he's my kid and I'm entitled) has pooped in the potty two times in 3 months. Twice. That's it. Do you know how many dirty pairs of underwear (that have sat in his daycare back pack ALL day, mind you) I've cleaned? I'm throwing up in my mouth just thinking about it. And please don't tell my child isn't ready to potty train. Um, no kid who pees with no problem in the potty isn't ready. I can't bribe him. He scoffs at M&Ms, jelly beans, marshmallows, cookies, etc. I have promised him a bike. A bike we have picked out and sat on at Academy. No go. I've promised him a Lightening McQueen tent. No go. He'll even tell me, "I'm so close, Mommy, I'm almost there," as he cheerfully skips off to his corner to crap his pants. Every day his teacher brings him inside at 3 and he sits on the potty for 20 freaking minutes trying to go. His face turns red. He grunts. He then announces it is "stuck inside." Outside he goes. Craps his pants (clearly not constipated). It is unreal. I'm at my wits end. SURELY someone else out there has experienced this. If they have, I doubt they're lining up on their blog or their facebook to shout it from the rooftop.
Of course, this is exactly what is difficult about parenting in this social media world we live in. While I too love posting pictures of my sweet kids on facebook, I also fall victim to looking at other children and constantly comparing what they're doing to what my children are doing (or not doing). When Hayden was an infant it was sleeping (no way Baby X is sleeping for 6 hour stretches! Hayden sleeps for 6 minute stretches, what's WRONG with him??). As Hayden got older and I got more used to this parenting thing, I thought I had gotten past this. Then the potty training thing has brought me back to my knees. Child So and So potty trained already?! He's only 2! How can Child Y be potty trained and it only took 2 days?! Boys must be harder, right? I've shed many tears, heard my child say, "Don't be sad, Mommy," and "Mommy's tired of cleaning up my cwap" (a parenting low, I will admit). So, I decided to write all this down to say, potty training blows. In a world full of attaboys and my child is so awesome, I'm saying Hayden isn't so awesome at pooping in the potty. In fact, he's down right terrible at it. I can only hope this is a control thing (as I've been reading about) and he'll do it when he's ready. So from now on I will LET. THIS. GO. Because no kid goes to Kindergarten in diapers....RIGHT? Also, I promise not to post a status update when he does master this acting as if this was the easiest thing I've ever done. Just know that when it does happen, I can honestly say it's taken at least 1 year off my life in the process. Oh, and Harper? You owe me. You better be very "girly" about this and potty train in 2 days because frankly, doing this twice might kill me.

And simply because I've basically complained about him for an entire blog -- look at this face. How mad can I be at him? And when Hayden is 15 I'm sure he'll be thrilled his mother blogged about him not pooping in the potty. I love you, dear, but these are the cold, hard facts. And truly, if your child did potty train effortlessly, kudos to you. Honestly.